For your reading amazement, this post has taken me a full 6 weeks to write. I should win an award on the longest amount of time and effort taken to write a post.
We are incredibly in love with our little girl, and we haven’t even met her yet!
That being said – the moment we found out that our wee little one didn’t have any extra *packages* for us, I had a slight thought of “Oh crap”. Maybe it was more of a “Darn it” or “Hmm”…whatever it was, it was not exactly what I would call elation.
This post is about honesty – so hold your judgment at the door. If you choose to come in, please take off your shoes at the mat, and remember, I am being truthful, and I know with absolute certainty that I am not the only pregnant woman to have these feelings. The reasoning for my feelings may be a bit different than expected though.
For as long as I can remember I always wanted boys. Sure, I wanted a daughter, but I’ve always said I would be slightly sad if I never had a son. It’s the truth. So what.
The Hubs and I always talked baby names, since before we were even a *unit*. Very early on, we decided on a boy name that was my choice – but he loved as well. It was the epitome of everything I imagined my son to be. From that moment, our son, not even conceived yet, grew within my mind. He flourished and even though he wasn’t even close to existing yet, I knew him. I’m sure many of my readers are about ready to enlist me in a crazy house. Let me tell you though, this is just the way it was. I bonded with this boy, before he existed.
I never imagined a girl though.
When I got pregnant, the Hubs and I made an agreement. He would pick the girl name, with my approval.
He picked a name, and for months that was our girl name. It was different, definitely not a common name – we are so totally different with our name choices. A month before our set anatomy scan (and gender reveal) he had a massive change of heart. It started when he realized how many people went “Hmm” instead of “Ahhh” when they heard his choice. The one thing I tried to make clear with him, was that with choices like ours, you have to be 100% in love with the name – so much that you don’t care when 99% of people respond with the “Hmm.”
We came up with a few other options, all beautiful names that we still love to this day. Going in to our anatomy scan, we had a pool of names, the final decision still yet to be made.
As soon as we found that Baby Fay was a she, I felt a tiny bit of sadness. I’m not proud of it, because she deserved for her Momma to be nothing but ecstatic. But let me clarify something. It wasn’t sadness that she was a she. It wasn’t sadness over the baby that was, but over the baby that wasn’t. I’ve determined that you can’t quite understand this feeling unless you’ve been one of those to feel it. To most people, I may sound ungrateful, unloving, choosy…millions of things. Let me tell you, I was beyond thrilled that our baby was there, growing, healthy, perfect. But the honest to nature truth is, I mourned, internally, on my own, for the baby that wasn’t ready to be ours just yet.
The reason why I reacted slightly unenthusiastically to the girl news was simple. I had bonded so hard with an imaginary boy, and I needed that, so desperately with our daughter. Maybe it makes me sound like a lunatic, but it was all wrapped up in a name. She needed a name so I could whisper sweet things to her. I needed to imagine who she was, and so much of it depended on her name. Maybe this isn’t how it worked for you, but this is most definitely how it was for me.
So for a few days I was in limbo. I was excited. I was happy. There was just something missing, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. All I could do was hope that I would put it all together so that I could bond with my little girl.
Two days after our scan, I heard the Hubs say to my belly –
“My baby girl, Ariadne.”
and that was it.
In an instant, she went from being this unknown. To something so magical. She was full of life, soul and precious happiness. She wasn’t only pink, tutus and bows. She was this little Aria, this perfect bundle of girl – so much girl, that only existed because of the Hubs and me. She was just as real, and just as mine as I needed her to be. I could feel it. I knew her. I had always known her.
That magical feeling only grows every time I think about seeing her for the first time. I can’t wait for her birth day, her first day of school, the first time she sees a shooting star, falls in love, gets married. I can’t wait for fingers covered in Christmas cookie dough and tea parties with the teddy bears. I can’t wait to tell her all about how magical my life has been so far, and how very wonderful I know hers will be. I can’t wait to see her Daddy look into her eyes for that very first time, and see her little hand holding his. I can’t wait to teach her things, watch her believe in make believe and most of all – to be her Momma. I was born for this job. To be this little girl’s Momma. This tiny little life, so precious in my belly, has already changed me, so completely.
I often ask myself, how much is in a name? I know now. This name, these two words that we have strung together aren’t just a name anymore. They are my daughter’s name.
Baby Girl, Ariadne – Your family is here waiting for you. We are so ridiculously excited for your arrival. I am so ridiculously excited to meet my daughter. Stay nice and cozy in there for as long as you need, but know that my waiting arms are itching to hold you. We are going to have something amazing together, you and me. We’re a pair: mother and daughter. I never knew how special being the mother to a daughter would be, and today I can only imagine how much more amazing it will be over the next lifetime. My heart aches with how happy I am that you chose me to be yours. I’ll be meeting you soon, my Aria.