Warning, this post is full of negativity. Sorry to disappoint those that think I have an ounce of positive clarity in sight anymore.
For the past six months I’ve been pushing away the black cloud that’s tried to hang over my head with pregnancy complications. I’ve tried my best to be positive and remind myself that things aren’t so bad – and truthfully, they really aren’t that bad.
Today I got news that I’m moving into the High Risk Pregnancy category – for Gestational Diabetes.
I find it ironic that I find out such news on a day where millions of people (heck, it’s a lot of millions) are dealing with the aftermath of one of the most massive earthquakes in history, I get this kind of news. Families are missing loved ones. Livelyhoods are at stake. Buildings are crumbled and burning. Roads have been washed away. Sadness has washed over the face of this planet once again, and I am finding myself utterly depressed. Not because of the disaster (although, until I got the news it was for that reason only) but for my diagnosis.
Of course I completely understand that GD is not the end of the world. Honestly, it’s really not that bad. My numbers are high, but there is hope that with diet changes, I can make enough improvements to stay off insulin injections. So yes, I realize it’s really not that big of a deal.
In a lot of ways though, it feels like I’m being punished. Punished hard for wanting to finish out this pregnancy a certain way. You see, GD can lead to higher risks for certain complications that lead to early inductions, and C-Sections. Two things that I wanted nothing to do with. Two things that scare the living daylights out of me.
I am someone who wanted to birth at home for Christ sake. That was our plan. Well, it was one of our plans. We were still in the final stages of making that decision. A decision which has been pretty much torn away from us.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I let the black cloud hover over me for a while today. I’m not proud of it, but sometimes we all need to have a pity party. I found myself driving home today, thinking “Why couldn’t it be someone who didn’t care about their birth experience? Why couldn’t it be someone who was fine with a medicated birth, with a C-Section…with not having a plan? Why me? Why oh why, why me?” How can I not feel punished? Of course I don’t wish complications on anyone…but there is a dark side of my heart that right now, in this moment, wishes it was someone else who was more laid back, and could see less complications out of this.
The truth is, Gestational Diabetes, if managed, isn’t a major major complication. It shouldn’t be such a horrible thing IF managed properly – which of course I’m on the road to doing. To me though, hearing this news was like someone handcuffing and tying me to a train track, completely helpless, waiting for the train to hit. Maybe this is dramatic to you. But try thinking about what it feels like for me right now. You have a plan. A plan you’ve worked for your ENTIRE life to build. Strength you’ve built up for all these years. Hopes. Goals. Wishes. You’ve told yourself that nothing can hold you back, that it’s all mental. Natural childbirth is all mental. You’re strong willed enough, you believe in yourself, in your body, in the entire spirituality of it.
Then that plan gets ripped up into pieces. Pieces that you’re going to have to work very hard to put back together. My natural childbirth – it’s something NATURAL and normal, and I’m going to have to work just that much harder for it now.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll see things differently.
I know there are women out there who have done it. I hope to be one of them.
Today there’s just a black cloud, and it’s raining on my parade.
Update: 24 hours later, and I’m already feeling a bit more positive about the situation. Although, I could really kill for some junk food right now…