The Black Cloud

Warning, this post is full of negativity.  Sorry to disappoint those that think I have an ounce of positive clarity in sight anymore.

For the past six months I’ve been pushing away the black cloud that’s tried to hang over my head with pregnancy complications.  I’ve tried my best to be positive and remind myself that things aren’t so bad – and truthfully, they really aren’t that bad.

Today I got news that I’m moving into the High Risk Pregnancy category – for Gestational Diabetes.

I find it ironic that I find out such news on a day where millions of people (heck, it’s a lot of millions) are dealing with the aftermath of one of the most massive earthquakes in history, I get this kind of news.  Families are missing loved ones. Livelyhoods are at stake.  Buildings are crumbled and burning.  Roads have been washed away.  Sadness has washed over the face of this planet once again, and I am finding myself utterly depressed.  Not because of the disaster (although, until I got the news it was for that reason only) but for my diagnosis.

Of course I completely understand that GD is not the end of the world.  Honestly, it’s really not that bad.  My numbers are high, but there is hope that with diet changes, I can make enough improvements to stay off insulin injections.  So yes, I realize it’s really not that big of a deal.

In a lot of ways though, it feels like I’m being punished.  Punished hard for wanting to finish out this pregnancy a certain way.  You see, GD can lead to higher risks for certain complications that lead to early inductions, and C-Sections.  Two things that I wanted nothing to do with.  Two things that scare the living daylights out of me.

I am someone who wanted to birth at home for Christ sake.  That was our plan.  Well, it was one of our plans.  We were still in the final stages of making that decision.  A decision which has been pretty much torn away from us.

So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, I let the black cloud hover over me for a while today.  I’m not proud of it, but sometimes we all need to have a pity party.  I found myself driving home today, thinking “Why couldn’t it be someone who didn’t care about their birth experience?  Why couldn’t it be someone who was fine with a medicated birth, with a C-Section…with not having a plan?  Why me?  Why oh why, why me?”  How can I not feel punished?  Of course I don’t wish complications on anyone…but there is a dark side of my heart that right now, in this moment, wishes it was someone else who was more laid back, and could see less complications out of this.

The truth is, Gestational Diabetes, if managed, isn’t a major major complication.  It shouldn’t be such a horrible thing IF managed properly – which of course I’m on the road to doing.  To me though, hearing this news was like someone handcuffing and tying me to a train track, completely helpless, waiting for the train to hit.   Maybe this is dramatic to you.  But try thinking about what it feels like for me right now.  You have a plan. A plan you’ve worked for your ENTIRE life to build.  Strength you’ve built up for all these years.  Hopes. Goals. Wishes.  You’ve told yourself that nothing can hold you back, that it’s all mental.  Natural childbirth is all mental.  You’re strong willed enough, you believe in yourself, in your body, in the entire spirituality of it.

Then that plan gets ripped up into pieces.  Pieces that you’re going to have to work very hard to put back together.  My natural childbirth – it’s something NATURAL and normal, and I’m going to have to work just that much harder for it now.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll see things differently.

I know there are women out there who have done it.  I hope to be one of them.

Today there’s just a black cloud, and it’s raining on my parade.

Update:  24 hours later, and I’m already feeling a bit more positive about the situation.  Although, I could really kill for some junk food right now…


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4 thoughts on “The Black Cloud

  1. Jaye, I am so sorry! I hope that you’re able to avoid the insulin injections; I know how bad those suck. Diet and exercise are powerful tools, I’m sure you’ll get this under control! Lots of prayers being said for you dear!!!

  2. There’s not much to be said to comfort you right now. As you acknowledge, sometimes you just need a wee pity party. Maybe a gentle reminder that the strength you’ve built for your whole lifetime, the preparations for this experience, shall be put to a true test now. We all know how you deal with tests, negative Nellie! *smile* A natural birth is not necessarily out of your reach. … if you let that black cloud linger, it will definitely be out of your reach. Do your best to banish the black cloud and you have a chance to have all you ever wanted, exactly the way you wanted. No one has a 100% guarantee to have it all. But my money is on you getting most of it….. you’ve got that strength and determination…. and in the end, you’ll have Ariadne. love you…. better day tomorrow, Boo!

  3. I couldn’t agree with your mom more. I think you deserve to take some time and allow yourself to feel disappointment. Your feelings are part of you and they deserve to be felt, you know? But I also think that – after you give yourself time to be sad – you’ll be able to rally and focus on the positive. I don’t know a ton about GD and what it means for your birthing time, but I know that you are better equipped than anyone to research any condition or possibility available to you.

    I’m really thinking positive thoughts for you and I know that everything will work out in the end. Because the most important thing is that you’ll end up with a healthy and perfect little baby girl Fay. Love you.

  4. I’m glad to see that you’re already feeling better. You definitely deserved a day or two to be upset. I’ll be honest that I don’t know a ton about GD or what it means for your birth plans, but I can tell from your blog that you are strong and determined. So if there is a way to tackle this naturally and still have some -or all- of the birth experience you hoped for, then you’ll do it. If it’s not possible and you have to make concessions, then you’ll find the strength to get through it.

    In the end, seeing your little girl’s precious face will make all of it worth it, and any birth experience that brings you a healthy baby girl is the best kind you can hope for. Best of luck – there are lots of people rooting you on!!

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