This post was originally written on Tuesday June 7th, 2011.
I’ve been keeping a secret. Even writing this today I feel a bit devilish because I know it won’t be posted until after we’re able to announce the arrival of our precious BGF.
I’m being induced tomorrow. Or at least, we hope so. It all depends on if there is a bed with my name on it tomorrow night. Luckily it’s not a full moon (you know, when women mysteriously hit up labour and delivery in swarms?), so I’m hopeful that we’ll get in.
I’m trying to be optimistic about this event, because as you all know, an induction was not the way I wanted to bring this baby into the world. In my heart I know that it’s not the end. It’s the beginning of this amazing, wonderful, beautiful journey that we’re about to start. But right now, it’s a little reminiscent of my darks days when I was first diagnosed with GD. There are so many questions in my head. “Is she ready?” “Is my body ready?” “Are we strong enough to get through induction contractions?” “Am I going to be sad that I didn’t get the entirely natural experience I so so wanted?” The loudest, most difficult to ignore question though – “Are we doing the right thing?”
There comes a time during a high risk pregnancy, that you have to accept what is, and just let go. I’ve spent a lot of my pregnancy complaining. I admit it. Judge me if you want. But I beg you. Walk a day in my shoes before you do. The truth is though, complaining was my outlet. A way for me to realize when I was being stupid. Complaining, feeling sorry for myself, getting down about my pregnancy, taught me a lot. For the first time in my life I learned to let go, and trust my Doctor (because I do trust my Doctor).
So lately I’ve been more of the “go with the flow” and less of the “I have a giant stick up my ass” girl that you all know and love.
Today, I’m struggling to be this new laid back person. It’s one thing when the day is a week away, or a month away. You can easily say “we’ll see how it goes” when you still have time on your hands. Until this morning, I thought I had almost a week left. A whole week to get this little girl out on my own, without the help of gels and IVs. I hoped for lots of birthing ball bouncing, spicy food, strenuous walks, sex and whatever else I could think of to get things moving. Well as it was, that’s not what we were dealt. Due to even more complications, tomorrow is going to be the beginning of the end of this pregnancy, and the calm before the perfect storm of parenthood.
Parenthood that I so can’t wait for.
I have many feelings right now. So many sad feelings, mixed with excitement, mixed with anxiety, mixed with “HOLY COW I’M ABOUT TO PUSH A WATERMELON OUT OF MY VAGINA.”
As sad as I am for missing out on that special “OMG I’m in labour” moment, I am ecstatic that I’ll be meeting this bundle of life that I’ve been growing. It seems like it was just yesterday she was just a twinkle in my eye. Just like I was a twinkle in my Mum’s eye. She was a hope, a wish, a dream. This week, she is going to be a reality. Someone to raise, to protect, to love, to cherish. The most important someone I’ve ever known.
I hope that we are cut some slack this week. Regardless, I’m going in tomorrow. I’m going to face the big dragon called Induction.
I can do this. I WILL do this.