The epidural was not what I expected.
In a good way.
I expected to feel completely numb from the waist down, and not be able to feel anything. Instead, I could still move my legs/feet (although they felt a bit heavy) and I could still feel the pressure of my waves, but now, my body wasn’t fighting them.
I really don’t have a concept of time at this point. All I know is things moved FAST.
I was still so emotional, that I would lay there, resting, and then all of a sudden burst out in tears. There was a moment when I told my Mum I wasn’t even excited about meeting the baby because I was so disappointed and upset about how things were going. I feel horrible that I said that, but even more so, that I meant it.
So, I rested up, regaining composure every minute. Once I was feeling a bit more like myself, we (The Hubs and Mum) talked about the epidural, and I started to feel a lot better. I needed to get my sadness off my chest, and remember that I was doing this for the right reasons, and everything would turn out just perfect.
I *think* it was about an hour later that I started to feel a lot of pressure down below. At first I thought it was the epidural wearing off (and thus leading me to panic that I was having a horrible reaction) but when I told the nurse, she sent for the doctor to come in and assess me. At this point I wasn’t prepared to be progressing at all, I just assumed things would still be going slowly. I was so very wrong!
The doctor announced to the room –
I was just about fully dilated, and it was time to start pushing! He predicted we’d have our little one before 3pm.
I was having the urge to push! Epidural or not, I still got to feel that and it was awesome.
To say I was in shock is quite an understatement. I hadn’t thought this far ahead in my birth! I never really thought about the pushing, how to do it, or when to do it. I practically blocked out the entire pushing phase from my mind.
Good news for me – my OB wasn’t there yet, so I had some time still.
When she arrived, she checked again and told me that the Baby was super low, like RIGHT THERE low, and I would be able to get her out quickly. The nurse prepped me for a bit of practice pushing.
And I panicked.
There was just something so out of control of having my legs being held up for me. Being wide open to the world. And being told to PUSH with all your might. I blanked. I told them I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t push.
I was so scared of it, and I don’t even know why. I just felt so vulnerable.
So after pretending to give it my all for a push or two, I burst out in tears and said I wasn’t ready yet.
The nurse went to tell my OB that she could go ahead and start her scheduled surgery, that I was going to labour down for a little bit.
Labour down I did. Since I could still feel every pressure wave, I calmly would bear down on my pelvis during every one. Even with my legs down and closed, it felt productive to do this. Eventually, I agreed to give it another go with the real pushing.
I was still so nervous.
So I faked it for 45 minutes.
Actually. I don’t think I can use the term “faked” since everyone knew I wasn’t trying that hard. Sure I was pushing, just not hard, and not productively at all.
Once I did give it a few good pushes, I must have gotten really close to having her out, because the nurse yelled for them to call the OB and get the infant team in there. Moments later another nurse came in and told us that my OB was still in surgery, and needed 20 minutes. My nurse told them she could have 15, this Baby was coming.
And that’s how I found myself, with my legs spread eagle in the air, and a watermelon hanging out in my vag, for 15 minutes. I was told not to push. Do you know how hard it is to HOLD a watermelon between your legs? Let me clear this up for you…
It’s like trying to hold in the worlds largest sneeze, while someone is holding pepper under your nose.
I don’t think I’ve ever been happier to see my OB before. She came rushing in, throwing on the face shield (you know, to keep all my fluids from shooting into her eyeballs) with the awesome high energy I needed to actually push this baby out.
With as many reservations as I had when I first had to switch OBs, my experience with this new one couldn’t have been any better. She was amazing. With the encouragement from her and my birthing team, and no one counting out my pushes, I finally gave it my all. In my head I figured pushing was going to be much more difficult than it was. I thought it would take hours upon hours of actual hard pushing to get her out. So after two pushing contractions, when the OB told me that she was RIGHT there and I just needed to give it one more big push, I didn’t believe it.
I took a huge breath and pushed with every single ounce of strength I had.
And all of a sudden, there was a Baby head sticking out from between my legs! One little push later and she was out, on my chest, crying and so alert.
She was the most amazing thing I had ever seen.
She was ours, and she didn’t care how I had brought her into this world. My disappointment in the events earlier that day didn’t matter.
Because I had her.
It was love at first sight. A love so strong that it took away all of my bad thoughts, and made life whole and perfect.
That morning it was just The Hubs and I, and that afternoon at 3:06pm, we became Three.