The Time I Convinced Myself I was NOT Pregnant

*This post was originally written on October 8th, 2010.  Please excuse how stupidly long it is, but when I realized that I had kept this post to myself for a year…I decided to just post it, un-edited. *

Maybe it’s a good thing that I mentally prepare myself for my body to play tricks on me after ovulation.  I’m no amateur at understanding that pregnancy symptoms and menstrual period symptoms are close buddies. For months and months I convinced myself I was pregnant.  Every twinge, every sick feeling, every dizzy spell – convinced me I was pregnant.  All because of the wishing and hoping I was putting in.  Month after month though, my little red friend showed up.   So as soon as ovulation was confirmed 10 days ago, I put a bunch of heavily guarded steel barriers around my mental well being.  There was no way I was going to feel “phantom” pregnancy symptoms this time.

Yah right.  That’s what every woman says.

The day after ovulation I started getting heartburn.  Nothing dilapidating, but a constant burn in my chest before and after meals.  I’ve never ever had heartburn before.  Still, there is ZERO possibility that this was due to pregnancy.  Impossible.

At 5dpo (days passed ovulation – aka WAY too early to actually “feel” pregnancy) I was out to lunch with some girlfriends.  I ordered a black bean burger and began to chow down.  Within about five bites, the weirdest feeling took me over.  I got so dizzy, flushed, nauseous, and was frantically searching the restaurant for signs of a bathroom.  I.do.not.throw.up.  Like, ever.  I’m Fort Knox when it comes to throwing up.  Nothing penetrates my non-vomit motto.  Yet there I was in a restaurant, convinced that there was a potential for me to lose my cookies, in front of a bunch of friends.  Luckily I passed that feeling by pushing my full plate away, sipping some water, and trying to focus on the chatter around me.  After getting home, I felt I should eat something since I didn’t finish lunch.  I tried a few bites of mac n cheese, pushing it away when I noticed it tasted like metal.  Hubby didn’t notice it, so I ignored the weirdness.  In the back of my head I was sealing up the cracks in my steel barriers with concrete.

Two days later, I was expecting my period any day.  Oh well, on to next cycle, I told myself.  I waited for signs of impending doom.  No spotting, no normal cramping, no period.  Until, I felt twinges in my lower left abdomen.  Little tiny pricks, tweaks, spasms, right where my uterus was.  Could it be??  No, no, of course not.   No way, no how.  There was no way I was pregnant.

As the next few days went on, I continued convincing myself there was no way I was with child.  Through a few more bouts of nausea, and extreme fatigue, I kept my fort sealed up nice and tight.

That was until this morning, finally a few things started happening all at once.  I woke this morning and took my temperature – expecting it to go to the usual temp range.  When it beeped, and I looked at the digital screen with tired eyes, I was in shock.  My temp spiked, almost a full degree since the yesterday.  It’s a fluke, I told myself.  You were tossing and turning, maybe that threw you off.

The onslaught of symptoms kept coming though.  At work, my nausea kept creeping up, and I was in the bathroom every hour peeing.  After lunch, I reached for my usual snack of almonds.   But there was something very wrong with my almonds that day.  They were gross.  Even though they had tasted fine yesterday, and the day before that, today, they tasted nothing like an almond should.  Hint hint, nudge nudge, something is up Jaye!  Nope, nada, nothing is up, I’m sealed up like Hoover Dam.  I am not swayed by mere almonds!

So, that’s how I found myself, at 10dpo, trying to wait until 12dpo to test.  I’m pretty sure this is the point that my baby making brain took over function for the rest of my sane, impenetrable brain.  After getting off work, I begged Hubby to go with me to get ice cream.

Cue baby making brain dialogue-

Wait a minute.

Ice cream?

Jaye, you’re lactose intolerant, and you never buy ice cream!

Something is seriously wrong with you.

Maybe while you’re taking care of that weird CRAVING, you should pick yourself up a package of pee sticks.  You know, so you have them in TWO days when you test.  Not today, but for two days from now.

Good idea, brain, thanks for the suggestion.

I scoured the aisles of ice cream, for just the perfect ice cream.

I scoured the pee stick aisle, for the perfect pee sticks.  Pink dye, not blue dye, early testers, a combo pack would be good – since I would be needing them next month for sure.

The moment we arrived home, I ran for the bathroom.   Discretely of course, since I still had Hubby under the impression that I had common sense, and would wait until Sunday to test.  I had common sense, enough to tell me that I was stupid, and I was NOT pregnant, so this test would undoubtedly turn out negative.  Baby making brain took over.  So I peed.

I affixed my eyeballs to the testing window.  Picture my shock, as soon as the window began to show any signs of a working pregnancy test, the TEST line started showing up.  Before the control line!  My eyes were dizzily going between the window and the directions.   Even though I’ve peed on a million of these things over the years (I have paranoia problems), there was still about an ounce of uncertainty when I saw that line start to show up.  But then it didn’t just start to show up.  It wasn’t only noticeable in the light.  It was a sure thing.  A line, a real line, not a ghost line.

I set it down on the edge of the tub, looked away, and glanced back.  Thinking maybe I was just seeing things, and from a different perspective, it would show the truth.

But they were still there, those two lines.

One of those lines and me have grown very close over the years, but the other, we were strangers.  These were two lines I had never seen together before.  Two lines that were about to change my life.

Cue panic.

Who was I kidding?  I had no experience being pregnant.  This was uncharted territory.  Those two pesky, blessed lines meant something entirely different.

Shit.

Holy shit.

That’s two lines.

Positive lines.

I’m pregnant!

I’m PREGNANT!

*Exactly one year later, I have a beautiful, happy, perfect FOUR month old baby girl and life is simply amazing.  I never could have imagined it to be so wonderful.*

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “The Time I Convinced Myself I was NOT Pregnant

  1. awwwwww! Great post! I knew (subconsciously) right away, or thought I knew right away too, and boy howdy was I an Egyptian…in denial…hahaha

  2. And I’m still trying to figure out how a wee blankie sucking, freckle-less spitfire turned into this accomplished, beautiful, intelligent and compassionate, loving mama. You cannot blink; if you do, you miss something, and at this stage, each breath, each sound, each movement is spell binding.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: