How to Embarrass Your Baby

Every new parent looks forward to the time they can embarrass their child.  It’s the way the world works.  As awesome as your parents may be, as perfect as they are, they have at some point in time embarrassed their child – whether on purpose or accidentally.  As children ourselves, we eventually realize that this is just the way of the world, and at some point in time we will get our chance to pay it back, with our own kids.

I’m pretty sure my kid already realizes that her Mum is an utter embarrassment.  She’s probably already made mental note that I am not to meet any boyfriends, or be in charge of carpools to the movie theatre.

What have I done to deserve this Embarrassing Mum award?

#1

I’ve nicknamed BGWF… Muffin.

I honestly have NO idea where this term of endearment came from.  Yet, there I was, holding my angel girl for the first time, and all that I could think is “This is my Muffin girl.”  What the heck?  Was I craving muffins or what?  So from that moment on, she’s been my Muffin.  It suits her pretty well I think.  The only problem is, I think she may be brainwashed into thinking her name is actually Muffin, since I rarely use her actual name.  I’m raising a kid that is only going to respond to the name Muffin.  I can just hear it now…”Muffin, do you take this man to be your husband?”  It’s fortunate her social security card already arrived or I might have been tempted to legally change her name.

#2

Milkie Milk Time

I called breastfeeding Milkie Milk Time once, and Muffin Girl’s face lit up.  So it sort of stuck, and now when I’m prepping her for the boob, I ask her if she’s ready for the Milkie Milk.  In reply I get lots of rooting around for the spout that doesn’t come out of my arm, and bouts of baby grunting.  It’s adorable.  Oh but I see those wheels a churning in that pretty little head of hers.  She’s on to me.  I know she’s plotting my old age days already, and has coined the term “Diapies” to reference my need for diapers.

#3

Eat the Baby

This is by far the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done.  If you’d told me a month ago that I would do this, even with my own child, I would laugh in your face.

When we were struggling with breastfeeding in the very early days, the only way I could get Muffin to wake up and OPEN up was to say “I’m going to eat the baby!” and start kissing her all over her face.  If she really wasn’t into eating, doing this multiple times would get no rise from her.  If she was hungry though, oh she would startle, open her eyes and start rooting as I was kissing her.  Rooting in the most dramatic way too, reaching all around trying to latch to my mouth, my nose, my eyelashes.  One word = adorable.  I keep doing this even now, when she has no problem getting ready for the Milkie Milk because it’s hilariously adorable.

So it’s official.  My kid is only 3 weeks old (WHAT?) and I’ve already contracted myself into a lifetime of embarrassing her.

Just to make it clear – for the purposes of remembering that my child does have a name, I will make an effort to NOT use Muffin in all my future posts.  But, no guarantees, I have a hard enough time using her real name in person.